You Never Think It Will Be Your Child: Why We Need to Talk About Self-Harm
You Never Think It Will Be Your Child: Why We Need to Talk About Self-Harm
As children and teens head back to school, families are preparing for new teachers, new schedules, extracurricular activities, sports, homework, and everything else that comes with the start of another school year.
But there is another conversation worth having as our kids return to their routines: how they are really doing.
This week, celebrity blogger Perez Hilton made headlines after appearing to engage in self-harm during a TikTok livestream. Concerned viewers contacted authorities, and he was ultimately transported to a hospital for medical care.
For many people, seeing something like this unfold publicly can be shocking. It can also serve as an important reminder: no one is immune to experiencing overwhelming emotional pain.
And when it comes to our children, it is easy to believe it could never happen in our own family.
“I Never Thought It Would Be My Kid”
Most parents don’t expect to have a conversation with their child about self-harm.
You may know that it happens. You may have heard about another child at school struggling. You may have even seen conversations about it online.
But it’s different when it’s your child.
Self-harm does not mean that a child comes from a “bad” home or that their parents failed them. Young people can struggle even when they are deeply loved, supported, involved in activities, doing well academically, and surrounded by people who care about them.
For some young people, self-harm becomes a way of coping when emotions feel too overwhelming to express, understand, or manage in another way.
That’s why these conversations matter before a crisis happens.
Back to School Can Bring More Than Excitement
The beginning of a school year can be exciting, but it can also bring a significant amount of pressure.
Kids and teens may suddenly be navigating changing friendships, academic expectations, sports and extracurricular commitments, bullying, social comparison, body image concerns, relationship problems, family stress, and the pressure to fit in.
Then there is social media.
Young people have unprecedented access to what other people are experiencing, including content related to mental health and self-harm. Research has found an association between adolescents’ exposure to self-harm content on social media and increased self-harm urges and behaviors during the same week.
This doesn’t mean parents need to panic every time their child opens TikTok or Instagram. It does mean that what young people encounter online deserves to be part of our conversations with them.
Ask what they’re seeing.
Ask how it makes them feel.
And most importantly, make it clear that there isn’t a feeling too uncomfortable for them to bring to you.
Talking About Self-Harm Doesn’t “Put the Idea in Their Head”
One of the biggest fears we hear from parents is:
“What if asking about it makes them think about doing it?”
Avoiding the conversation may feel safer, but research does not support the idea that asking about self-harm or suicide causes these behaviors or thoughts. Studies examining direct questioning about self-harm and suicide-related behaviors have not found evidence that simply asking increases them.
Talking openly gives a young person an opportunity to tell someone what is happening without having to find the words or courage to bring it up themselves.
You don’t need the perfect script.
You can start with:
“Things seem like they’ve been really heavy lately. How have you been coping with everything?”
“I’ve noticed you haven’t seemed like yourself. What’s been going on?”
“When you’re really overwhelmed, what do you usually do to cope?”
Or even:
“Have things ever felt so overwhelming that you’ve thought about hurting yourself?”
Your job in that moment isn’t to immediately fix everything. It’s to listen.
Connection Before Correction
If your child tells you they have been self-harming, your first reaction matters.
Fear may make you want to demand that they stop. Anger may show up because you’re terrified. You may want to ask, “Why would you do this to yourself?”
Those reactions are understandable, but they can also unintentionally create shame.
Instead, try:
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m really glad you came to me.”
“You’re not in trouble.”
“We’re going to figure this out together.”
Self-harm is a behavior, but underneath that behavior is a person trying to cope with something.
The goal isn’t simply to take the behavior away. We also have to help young people understand what the behavior is doing for them and develop safer ways to meet that same emotional need.
You Don’t Have to Wait Until There Is a Crisis
Perhaps the biggest takeaway from difficult public moments like the one involving Perez Hilton is that emotional pain isn’t always obvious from the outside.
We shouldn’t have to wait until someone reaches a breaking point before we start talking about it.
As your child heads back to school this year, talk about more than grades, schedules, and homework.
Talk about friendships.
Talk about pressure.
Talk about what they’re seeing online.
Talk about the days when everything feels like too much.
And yes, talk about self-harm.
You never expect it to be your child.
But if it ever is, one of the most powerful things they can already know is:
“I can tell my parent when I’m not okay”
Support for Teens and Parents
At New Light Counseling, we believe families shouldn’t have to navigate self-harm alone.
Our upcoming groups provide separate spaces for teens struggling with self-harm and for parents who want to better understand how to support a child who is struggling.
The teen group focuses on understanding emotions, identifying triggers, developing safer coping strategies, and reducing the shame that often surrounds self-harm.
Our parent group helps caregivers better understand self-harm, respond in supportive ways, communicate with their child, and learn how to support recovery without letting fear take over.
You don’t have to wait until things become a crisis to ask for support.
